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10 components of compatibility in marriage
Ten Signs, Plus One, of a Healthy Dating Relationship
by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.
The 10 signs are a compilation of all I have heard from the hundreds of people with whom I have worked on marriage and family issues through the years. They are basic, and if one of them is not true of the relationship you are analyzing, I suggest that you be very careful about proceeding with that relationship. If two or more of them are not true, I hope you will be deeply concerned and that you will pursue all the assistance you need before making any final decision.
- You are each other’s best friend, and you genuinely like being with each other. A recent survey of over 300 successful, long-term marriages indicates that for both men and women this matter of friendship is considered to be the most important ingredient of all.
- Communication is easy, natural and free. You feel that you can tell each other anything without fear of judgment or put-down.
- You have numerous spiritual values and ideals in common. You have both demonstrated the depth of your commitment to Christ and to other men and women.
- You both think of marriage as a lifetime commitment.
- When you experience differences between each other, you are able to work them out. You seem to know how to resolve conflict.
- You love to laugh together.
- You feel thoroughly known by your partner and deeply cared for.
- Your family and friends seem genuinely supportive of the two of you as a couple.
- You feel romantic about each other much of the time, but you feel comfortable and content with each other almost all the time.
- You have a relationship that feels sane and safe and stable. You sense that there is a solid fit between both of you at many levels.
There is one last matter that I must discuss with you, because I have come to see that it may be the most crucial matter of all. I had heard about intimacy for a long time before I really knew what it meant. And now I have tremendous respect for all that the word intimacy represents. It’s almost always present in quality marriages, and it’s almost always absent in marriages that are in trouble.
An intimate relationship involves the sharing of that which is innermost for two people — hence, the very personal and the private. It is when we have shared the personal and private parts of ourselves — the innermost in us — that we feel woven into each other. As human beings we are, at our centers, made up of a rich and constantly changing stream of feelings, fantasies, evaluations and thoughts. If we want another to really know us, we need to share this many-sided and ever-changing internal set of events. And if we want to know another, we must listen as they reveal the same innermost thoughts and feelings to us. This kind of sharing takes time. And it takes all kinds of trust. You certainly have to feel free from the fear of being put down and judged.
Now here is the crucial part: It is when we engage in living and communicating intimately that we get woven together at the deepest levels of our existence. And it is this kind of woven-together experience that produces relationships that last forever. Without this kind of depth, we tend to be fastened together with loose and superficial bindings that are easily broken under the stress and pressure of living together.
So, when you and the one you love are puzzling over whether you have a relationship that will last and make you happy, ask yourselves this important question: “Do we share the most personal and private parts of ourselves with each other, and if we do, is there a quality to that sharing which lets us know at our deepest level that we are in harmony and that we really fit?”
Adapted from Finding the Love of Your Life by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 1990 Tyndale House Publishers. Used by permission.
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